Coping with unexpected change
Coping with change can be difficult enough, but what if that change is completely unexpected? Something that comes out of the blue, and knocks you for six? Unexpected change can cause us turmoil and anguish. We often get stuck ruminating on "what if" (the freeze threat response). Or else we feel like running away completely or fighting with someone (flight and fight). What can we do to make things easier?
Watch the Storyline
What are you telling yourself (or other people) about what's happened? Particularly if we are talking or thinking about this a lot, the story starts to become embedded - and what we're saying (or thinking) about feels more and more true. So if we're blaming ourselves, or others, this becomes fact - and can cause us all sorts of problems, both in the short and long-term.
Also, watch the language you're using. A good example of this is "it happened to me" - which makes it feel purposeful. Instead, "it happened" can feel a lot more neutral. Equally, are you using inflammatory language like "I'll never get over it"? If so, something like "right now, this is difficult". Everything is transitory - and although some hurts may last forever, the nuance of that hurt does change over time.
Please know that this isn't about trying to see the positives, whilst you're right in the thick of the upset, this won't help - and you'll just start to feel guilty about struggling. It's also not about trying to see the silver lining. Yes, there might be one - but these are only visible with hindsight, and time does have to pass before silver linings can be acknowledged.
Here's an example from my life: As some of you know, our puppy Phin has reached 9 months and has definitely hit adolescence. His recall has gone wonky, and he is pulling a LOT on the lead. I found that I was starting to call him a "psychopath" - as I felt he has no empathy and just focuses on what he wants. But really, he's just hit adolescence, and he's following his instincts - it's not something that he's doing to me, it's just happening. Changing the storyline helps me to feel less aggrieved by his behaviour.
Acceptance
Don't ignore the way that you feel. Unexpected change is often difficult to handle, and all feelings are appropriate. Don't let anyone tell you that the way you feel isn't valid - and don't tell yoruself this either. Anxiety, anger, worry, confusion, fear, grief, excitement, relief - however you feel, it's absolutely OK to feel this way. Often there's a whole jumble of emotions mixed up together. It's also perfectly OK to not know how you feel, or to feel numb. Your experience is your experience.
Acceptance feels key. But also noticing what you can have some control over, and taking charge of this. Acceptance isn't about resignation - we can accept that this is how it is in this moment, but then still bring in some change in the next moment.
I'll stick with my example of Phin. I accept that at the moment, I can't take him everywhere with me as it's not that pleasant for other people to walk with us just now. So, I've built up his crate training to leave him for longer periods of time (within reason), so I can still meet friends and not be too distracted by him.
Self-Care
Remember to be kind to yourself. Change is not easy, it doesn't need to be made harder by listening to the inner critic, or engaging in self-punitive behaviours. Soothe yourself, nurture yourself, talk to yourself the way you would to a close friend. One of the ways we can be kind to ourselves in times of change is by sticking to our usual routine as much as possible. Eat well, sleep well - look after yourself. Often this all goes to pot, and we end up feeling even worse - eating greasy food, our sleep routine all over the place - this is not a stable base for healing.
Think about your positive coping strategies - instead of reaching for the wine, or eating too much - what could you do instead? The things that resource us can be:
Getting out into nature
Doing something creative (cooking; reading; looking at beautiful art; crafting, etc)
Spending time with animals (particularly animals you can pet).
Reach out - ask for help. Don't just share the storyline of what's happened, but let your nearest and dearest know how you feel. If it doesn't feel possible to share this with someone in your close circle, consider who you can talk to. Would a therapist be useful? Or perhaps sharing within a community (like ours), or booking in for some 1-1 sessions with me. Talking is essential.
Thanks for reading.
With a smile,
Susie