How Self-Compassion Can Lead to Self-Love
Self-love can often feel very far away, possibly unachievable. But one of the things that can help us journey towards it is self-compassion. This has felt like such an important part of my mindfulness journey and is something I love sharing with others. Simply being kinder to ourselves can help us like (and love) ourselves more. But why would that be?
Let's look at the definitions of both self-compassion and self-love first:
Self-compassion is being "kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings" - Kristin Neff. This means treating yourself the way you'd treat a close friend when you're experiencing difficulty - showing empathy, kindness and understanding.
Self-love is "a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth" (Khoshaba). It's really about valuing yourself as a human being - worthy of love and respect.
Self-compassion helps us to be realistic and objective about ourselves. We're not pretending that we're perfect - we see our flaws, the mistakes we make - but we accept these, just as we accept them in others. Of course, it is often a struggle - to accept both ourselves and others’ flaws, but we can also be self-compassionate about the times we don't manage to be fully accepting.
When we stop judging ourselves as much, we find that our self-worth grows. It's important to note that this is different from self-esteem - which has an external focus - comparing ourselves to others. Self-worth occurs when we genuinely care about ourselves - our own well-being - it has an internal focus.
Self-compassion supports a growth mindset - it encourages a willingness to try hard to do better, rather than seeing things as fixed or static. We are much more likely to be willing to fail if we know that we'll be able to accept this - without being overly self-critical or harsh. Equally, we'll be more prepared to try again if we didn't give ourselves a hard time for getting it wrong the first time.
Self-compassion also links with strong feelings of authenticity - being true to ourselves. Authenticity links to increased motivation and drive, and also has mental health benefits as it reduces negative thoughts and self-doubts.
In its simplest form, self-compassion can be seen as self-kindness and self-acceptance. Treating ourselves the way we would a close friend, and accepting that there will be times that we get it wrong, or when life will be difficult, and we'll experience suffering.
Don't forget, we need self-compassion when life is more difficult - for whatever reason. Even if it's because we've made it more difficult for ourselves through something we've done. When life is difficult, remember these three things:
Be kind - not judgemental (particularly about our own failures or mistakes)
Failure is part of a shared human experience - although we may feel alone in the moment, everyone experiences failure throughout their lives
Keep a balanced response - difficult emotions may be present, but they don't need to take over and subsume everything
Don't:
Over-generalise your experience or emotions - this is something you are experiencing, it's not who you are as a person
Compare yourself to others - it's unlikely that you have a full picture of someone else's experience and circumstances
Believe your thoughts - they are just stories in your head - not absolute truths
Forget to be mindfully attentive - when we bring in mindfulness to our experience, we can recognise and witness it without becoming overwhelmed by it.
It's worth noting that self-love is not at all narcissistic. Self-love is about an honest and authentic appreciation for the self - not to the detriment of others.
Practicing self-compassion on a regular basis helps us on our journey toward self-love. When we're kind and understanding toward ourselves, our inner critic softens and quietens. If self-love grows from actions that demonstrate to ourselves our self-worth, then continually being kind and balanced in our response to ourselves will help our self-love to blossom.
We'd love to hear from you if this article has resonated. Always remember that this work is a journey - there's no particular destination, it's about enjoying the ride!
If you have any questions on self compassion, send us a message to pause@pauseandbreathe.co.uk.